Musings Of A Kamikaze Wordsmith From Hell

collegehumor:

The Best Happy Gilmore character! 

RIP Richard Kiel

Loved him in Happy Gilmore.

I got grounded because of you once. I went to see you perform last year in Houston and it was great and everything but I made the mistake of bringing my very conservative catholic sister and her boyfriend (they were my ride) and I had to pretend I didn't get the jokes and that they weren't funny. (It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life) But when we got home my sister had told our mom about it and I had to play clueless and then she grounded me. It was worth it though.

robdelaney:

You are a good person and I care about you. 

Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!

The Choices I’ve Made

If I could revisit some of my life decisions already made, and potentially change them, the first moment I would revisit would be when I selected my college major.

I was coming into NKU a journalism major, but at the time was so burned out with it from high school that I switched at the last moment to Electronic Media and Broadcasting. While there were many things I did learn and enjoy about the major, I learned a bit too late that I simply do not have the flair, the passion, or the patience to learn and keep up with all the software programs that go into video editing and post-production — which, quite honestly, comprise the most stable and lucrative jobs within the industry.

All I really wound up coming away with was an understanding and knowledge of how to make use of my existing and strongest skill-set as a writer to craft screenplays and scripts in a film format, to bring them from paper to screen with on-set directing of crew and talent…an area of expertise I still consider to be in its infancy when it comes to my personal ability.

I never could have foreseen the sheer physical, mental, and emotional effort it would require, and I would require, of myself to create something visually from the page, and with a failing body no less as I would discover halfway through my time at NKU, but more on that later. The writing, as much as I may sometimes torture myself with it to wring the words out just right, was always the easy part for me.

In reflection, I really feel like I should have stuck with journalism as much as I was worn out with it; I could do it, it came naturally, and it would have been a much more efficient path toward where I desperately want to be right now. It may not have provided me an avenue to express my creativity so much (God, how I lament the fact creative writing wasn’t a major when I enrolled), but I would have been immersed in an environment that allowed me to play to my strengths.

The second point I’d revisit would be the point in time I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease…possibly even years before that. I felt awful for a very long time, even through high school, and hid it from everyone due to a misplaced sense of embarrassment and shame. When I discovered these symptoms would be permanent and incurable, I took it like a death sentence and spent the following four years not properly addressing it.

I was way too caught up on the fact I couldn’t be cured when I should have been more invested in managing my symptoms. I was aware of the physical effects, but completely blinded to how it affected me mentally: I swear a lot of that time is like a mental fog. I was exhausted and constantly fighting a feeling of being trapped in that fog, just floating listlessly along. Sure, I did some great things along the way, but I honestly feel a lot of my potential was wasted due to ignoring the management of my condition, and what achievements I did amass came from drawing upon a severely limited personal energy. I truly feel like I could have done so much more, and the things I did do so much better, if I had only bothered to take a more active role in keeping my Crohn’s in check.

There have been jolts along the way to wake me up, to help me out, Amanda and our son Ryder the biggest and most important ones because they give me inspiration, drive, and purpose, but the struggles detailed before are things I still deal with every single day I live. The pain, the uncertainty, the self-doubt all linger like constant shadows cast from clouds overhead. Amanda and Ryder — AKA Mister Baby Boy — are the rays of sunshine that continue to shine on me in spite of my clouds.

These key moments mentioned in my life, though, when I sit and reflect over everything to this point, are the two decisions that factor into my current professional situation, my extreme unhappiness and dissatisfaction in my place of employment. I feel stuck without any clue where to go next, or how to navigate toward where I want to be in that respect of my life. I’m desperately searching for some sort of clue, sign, or opportunity. I still have faith it will come to me eventually, but grow anxious as to when it will. While I stand in support of everyone who is actually pursuing their dreams, and an appreciative of those I may have purposely or inadvertently helped along the way, I’m growing weary of sitting on the side track watching the main line breeze right by me.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve come to learn in life, due to it being against my overall nature, is that sometimes you have to help yourself in order to be of any use to anyone else; well, I’m quickly arriving at the point where I want to focus more on me. It feels selfish, which causes me to hesitate, but I feel it has to be done.

Somehow, some way, I will figure this out. I can’t wait to contribute to something that doesn’t criticize me for being “too nice” or “too articulate.” If you’re in a place where you’re being criticized for being too nice or too smart, you KNOW you need to make a change and get the hell out.

How does I Instagram? o_O

How does I Instagram? o_O

teamcoco:

#Conan talks #SnoopLion in last night’s monologue.  (at CONAN)

Hahahahahahaha!!!

teamcoco:

#Conan talks #SnoopLion in last night’s monologue. (at CONAN)

Hahahahahahaha!!!

netherrealmstudios:

Enter the #Thundergod!#MKX #ThunderStruck

The Thunder God enters…to kick major ass. ALL HAIL LORD RAIDEN!!!

netherrealmstudios:

Enter the #Thundergod!
#MKX #ThunderStruck

The Thunder God enters…to kick major ass. ALL HAIL LORD RAIDEN!!!

theonion:

"We discovered that most oxygen molecules in Earth’s troposphere are used for the purposes of sighing, whining, and most commonly, complaining,” 

Oh, how true The Onion can be sometimes…

theonion:

Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast | Subscribe to The Onion’s YouTube Channel

Beware the SUPER RAINBOW…

collegehumor:

When the lovemaking noises emitting from a neighbor’s bedroom sound like a goat exorcism taking place inside a bedspring factory, it’s time to take action.  Option A.) Light some candles, hold a glass to the wall and make a night of it. Option B.) Crawl into the fetal position with a pillow and cry because you are alone. (Just let your mother set you up already, it shouldn’t be that big a deal!) Option C.) Write a hilarious note for all the apartment building and later the internet to enjoy. 

These people wisely chose Option C

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

netherrealmstudios:

Happy 4th of July!Light up the grill! #MKX

More sweet MKX goodness…

netherrealmstudios:

Happy 4th of July!
Light up the grill! #MKX

More sweet MKX goodness…

netherrealmstudios:

#FatalityFriday #MKX

Seriously can’t wait to get MKX.

netherrealmstudios:

#FatalityFriday #MKX

Seriously can’t wait to get MKX.

collegehumor:

Who said having a job had to be boring?

These 17 Peoples’ Job Titles Says All There is About Living the Dream

Hahahahahahaha!!!

Indecision

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to quitting my pursuit of all things film-related.  This thought has occupied my mind for quite some time now; this isn’t something that just suddenly hit me.  I would say the thought has been there for at least two years now, maybe more than that.  Before, this thought was bred from the realization that long hours on a film set can be exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically, and are especially difficult for someone who deals with a chronic condition on top of that — for the record, I have Crohn’s disease.  

Twelve hour shoots are hell for a guy like me, because at some point my body will turn on me, and to be quite honest one bad bathroom trip is enough to wipe me out completely.  I also hate having to use the restroom anywhere other than in private at my own home.  A lot of times, I just can’t bring myself to go unless it’s a total emergency.  It doesn’t happen to me very often, but when it does it’s pretty rough for me on several levels…but I feel like I’m getting off-track.

There’s a lot I love about filmmaking:  writing a screenplay, turning it into a shooting script, assembling the film crew, pooling and finding equipment and resources, casting the characters, securing locations, rehearsing and interacting with the actors, filming the scenes, having someone else much more skilled then myself piece together the footage and sweeten the audio into a finished product, and then showing off said finished product to whoever wants to see it.

There’s a lot I hate about filmmaking, too:  having to overcome writer’s block, redrafting and cutting a script down, having to forge a schedule from desperate schedule coordination between crew and talent, having a crew member or talent tell me “I have to leave at __:__ AM/PM because ______ came up” or “Hey, I won’t be able to be there until __:__ AM/PM because ______ happened to me,” trying to achieve as much on-set filming perfection as possible while adhering to a strict shooting schedule that will no doubt go over time no matter how frantic a pace I might attempt to keep, waiting with nervously baited breath and prayers that my editor can make something awesome from the footage we managed to capture, and the nervousness that always hits right as you commence to share your work with an audience — it truly is like standing in front of the world completely naked awaiting judgment.

No matter how well a project may go, I no doubt wind up inevitably worn out and wanting nothing more than to go into seclusion, which I typically do.  I can’t help but be as hands-on as I possibly can be; I write, I direct, and if need be I act.  It’s just the way I am.  Why wait around for a screenplay when I can write one myself?  Why have someone else direct what I wrote when all they’re going to do is pique my brain to determine what I was picturing when I wrote a scene?  If I can’t find someone to play a role or have an actor drop out of a role, and I feel like I can play the part myself, why the hell not?  I don’t directly hate or dislike these things; on the contrary, I love them very much.  However, they take a lot of energy to do if you wish to do them at a quality level, and for a long time I’ve been searching within myself to determine if I have the energy and desire to keep on doing this, whether it be as a serious career or even just as a hobby for fun.

I definitely felt myself start to drift away from film when Amanda and I got reacquainted, and eventually fell in love with one another.  Her reintroduction into my life, the larger role she took within it, brought my personal life a level of joy it never had before, and all I wanted to do was spend my time with her.  Everything else became secondary; Amanda was my main priority and goal, and most everything else, admittedly, obligations to get through just to get back to her.  I’m proud to say it’s still that way now over a year and a half into our relationship, and on a much stronger level at that.

So much has changed in my life through 2013 into 2014, and all because she and I found out we were having a baby boy.  Ryder Scott Hayes is due to arrive May 3rd, although he could arrive earlier or later than that, and we are super excited about that.  With the help of my friend Noah, I got on with a well-known bank as a student loan collector (I’m not revealing the name here because they have rules about social network discussions about them, etc…although I have them prominently listed via my Facebook, but I go out of my way not to talk about them much on there).  It’s been great working there for them.  The pay is good, and they offer good health benefits, and in today’s economy good jobs are very hard to come by.  I’m very fortunate they hired me, especially since my background was not a finance or collections background whatsoever.  Honestly, it does kind of suck I’m not putting any of the skills and expertise I acquired in college to use right now, but I’m in no position to go through an unpaid internship, nor would I really want to at this point in time.  I swear, I go back and forth with myself over whether NKU’s Electronic Media and Broadcasting left me with any practical skills or knowledge I didn’t already have myself, aside from learning how to screenwrite, do basic video editing, and set up lights without blowing up light bulbs…but that is a rant for another post.

My life circumstances have drastically changed, and I’m in no way, shape, or form the same person who started into college hoping to do something in the film industry.  I still have lingering hopes of maybe getting into print or broadcast news, either as a writer or preferably as an on-screen reporter or anchor, but in all honesty now that I’m out of college I don’t quite know how to get my foot in the door.  

All I really know is that film isn’t a sure thing at all, and being an expectant father I’m no longer in a position to pursue risky bets or traverse uncertain avenues.  Fatherhood, at least from my perspective, closes — or should close — a lot of those doors.  Has that been difficult for me to come to terms with?  As a 24-year-old male, yes, it has been, but if I have any hope of doing this fatherhood thing right, I need to make sure I’m spending all of my time wisely and only pursuing opportunities where the pay-off is beneficial and certain.

It’s funny how life seems to work, however.  There is one major thing keeping me from completely writing off film, and that is Ryder.  My son, whose arrival is drawing close, is the element in the equation that causes my hesitation to give it up.  I see an elementary-age Ryder at his school’s career day, and his inquisitive face along with all the other little faces staring at me as they wait for me to explain what it is I do for a living.  I just don’t see them, or him for that matter, being all that excited or thrilled about a guy who works at a financial institution’s call center, who is tasked with calling people who owe on student loans and trying to collect money.  I just don’t see my current job giving Ryder that much capacity to cultivate pride in what it is his father does.  Don’t get me wrong, the job is great for me right now and I don’t have any complaints about it, but even the writer within me can’t make that job sound as exciting as filmmaking, or working in news…or just being a writer in general.

So, I guess there still is a restlessness in me regarding my current occupation and position in life.  I’m trying to view where I am now as a means to another end; where that may wind up being, I don’t really know as of yet, but I’m hoping I can eventually transition into a job that makes more of a difference, that caters much more to my skill-sets and strengths, a job where the pay and benefits match up to the expectations in my dreams, the kind of job a dad can have that a son can be proud of.

Manifesting My Mind Palace

Damn, it’s been way too long since my last visit and entry here.  So much has happened, and so much has changed…which usually happens when I don’t come around here in a long while…and THAT happens much more than I’d like.  

The beginning of 2014 finds me in an extremely transitional period, much more so than any other point in my life.  I’m done with college, for one thing.  I’m under pressure to land a solid job that will allow me to start building a life with the love of my life, Amanda.  I’m staring out at a somewhat uncertain horizon ahead of me in 2014, a year that will likely shape up to be one of the most challenging of my life to date.  I’m observing and taking note of a lot of things:  others close to me whose lives are also in chaotic and anxious flux, the exiting and entering of players within my own life that come with such a transitional time, decisions large and small to be made, the re-examination of some of my own personal beliefs and feelings in the face of adversity, and the slow-sinking realization that elements of my existence I once thought permanent actually aren’t.

I’m identifying and attempting to formulate plans to deal with potential obstacles that stand in the way of my goals, be they people, societal matters, or myself and my own perceived limitations.  I’ve really been working hard to embrace and adapt to moments that steer me in a direction I didn’t intend to go in, and overall just devoting energy to learning how to stay out of my own way as much as possible in the scheme of things.

There’s so much to explore, so much for me to sort out.  Mind you, my mind has already been hard at work examining and sifting through all of this as it voraciously and randomly does, but with the way I tend to process and over-process information there comes a point where I no longer see the trees for the leaves…it seriously gets that bad at times.  Luckily, I’ve always had written language to help me diagram things, so as to widen my perception once more.  Writing has always been my salvation when the world gets too much for my mind to handle.  By most accounts, I’m an articulate thinker and speaker, but in my personal opinion my clarity in writing will always reign superior over my spoken words, and my thoughts are only their very sharpest when incised into a page as tangible words.

The mind is the mine; the page, the forge; the words, the metal.

Things will no doubt get very busy for me this year, but I get the feeling that this place will become a valuable refuge and tool for me in a way it hasn’t before, a tangible “mind palace” I can retreat to in order to make sense of all the developments my mind sponges up.  It will be interesting to see what wrings out each time I come here.  

In a lot of ways, I’ll be discovering things right alongside whoever happens to read this…if anyone, obviously…though that does present a rather interesting conundrum of sorts for me.  I can’t keep a personal journal to save my life, and I think it’s due to the fact that personal journals aren’t expressly intended to see an audience; I can’t write without a perceived audience and a hope it might somehow be seen.  But if this blog did get a huge viewership someday, and I started to get substantial feedback as a result…I’m not so sure how I would react to that.  

Many favor private journals because they can be completely honest without any fear (of course, given the assumption that the writer can be completely honest with him/herself), but public writing like this forces my objectivity in a lot of ways.  It forces me to consider how I might be perceived (the threat of feedback!), and, especially in navigating complicated issues with multiple viewpoints, it further impels me to step outside of my own self and viewpoint in order to more thoroughly understand said issues.  It keeps me from barricading myself within myself on matters.  It forces me to look both inside and outside.  For me, at least, it promotes clarity; I could bullshit myself, and I suppose I could try to bullshit others, but the more eyes there are on something, the less likely bullshit is to fly.  In a roundabout way, this overall approach is a bullshit deterrent…at least, in my own theory, anyway.

I feel like I’ve laid out a great new purpose for increased utilization of my blog.  Now comes the part of ACTUALLY PUTTING IT TO USE.  I guess we’ll see how that goes!  O_o